The “Universal” Major

When people finally get over the fact that you aren’t becoming a teacher, the next step is to talk about what you can do. Yes, they are all thinking that you will be living in a box on a street corner or working at a coffee shop, but they won’t actually say that.

No, instead they inevitably say, “Well, you can do anything with an English degree really.” Which, translated, basically means you will be working at Starbucks. Whoever tries to say you can do anything with an English degree doesn’t actually have an English degree. Yes, I currently have a job, but I got mine through family connections and had to go back and take accounting classes in order to get the job. I hadn’t taken a math class since I was a senior in high school. Granted, I was always good in math, so it wasn’t difficult for me, but still!

The most common job, after teaching, people think of is being an editor. As great as that sounds, they’re a dying breed. Hence the whole hating technology. Being a college professor? Like I want to perpetuate the idea that the seemingly most inconsequential passing phrase of an author holds the whole meaning of life. Book reviewer? Now anyone with a keyboard can (and does) do that.  Being a writer? Well, I write this without getting paid, so who wants to cough up the big bucks for my opinions? Highest bidder wins…something!

But there is one good thing on the English major’s side, analysis! Business loves that stuff! I mean, they eat up being told the same things in varying ways. They’re mesmerized when you talk in circles about the same things and make it sound so much more interesting than it actually is. English majors jazz up any proposed plans by doing what we do best.

In a world where the technologist win, chose a business degree with an English minor. It will probably be your best option in the end.

Sleep With Me, You Got My Heartbeat Beating Tonight*

As one of my professors used to say “This is about sex. If you don’t know what sex is, go talk to your parents.” He said that with almost every piece we read. Why? Because majority of literature can be interpreted as being about SEX!

You know those World of Warcraft kids you always see/poke fun at because you don’t think they get laid? Well, in the 1800s and earlier those kids used to be writers. Except instead of living their fantasies through video games and creepy conventions, they wrote. They were occasionally prosecuted (legally and/or socially) for their writings because the fantasies drew too close to life. Oscar Wilde was sent to jail because of his novel Picture of Dorian Grey. Judges of the time used that as key evidence that he had a young male lover, who happened to be a prominent figure in the royal court. He was charged with sodomy and gross indecency, but only convicted of the latter. Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (aka Lewis Carol) is often said to have had indecent affections for a young girl on which he based the relationship of Alice and the Mad Hatter in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

One of the most overt yet oddly coy reference to sex I’ve ever read is Herman Melville’s “Paradise of Bachelors and Tartarus of Maids.” The narrator basically goes from this bar filled with drunk guys who don’t have a care in the world, but their lives are meaningless and empty because they don’t have women in their lives. In the transition between the Paradise and the Tartarus, the narrator “sows his seeds.” In the Tartarus of Maids, it is a workshop, with a red liquid that runs through the building. Essentially, Melville suggests that women are enslaved by their menstrual cycle and reproducing. He knows eerily too much about it. Talking about your period with guys now is a bit taboo, how the hell did he learn about what women go through in 1855?

And here we were thinking that our culture was over sexed. Well, if you thought that, then you just don’t know how to read literature properly. They were way more graphic than anything you’d find on TV.

*Song is “Sleep With Me” by the amazing band We The Kings. Who wouldn’t want to sleep with the hottie, red-headed, lead singer Travis Clark?

Free Hugs!!!

There is little doubt that at some point in recent years you have seen the kids/twenty-somethings out with signs/shirts/permanent-markered hands with the message “Free Hugs” advertised boldly. You may think “Oh that’s cute” or, like me, “Don’t make eye contact with the creepers!” If you do actually make contact with them, you may ask why they are advertising hugs and be it the scene kid in line waiting to see their favorite band or the frat guy who is really just looking to feel up as many girls as possible, they’ll undoubtably say something along the lines of “Everyone needs love,” “Who doesn’t love hugs?” or “We love everyone!” Ask them where the idea originated and they will have no idea.

You’re probably wondering why I am talking about Free Hugs and what on earth that has to do with being an English major, aside from the fact that half the time the creepy guy walking around campus with the “Free Hugs” shirt on happens to be one of the few males in the English department. It’s quite simple really. If we think of “Free Hugs” as topic of your paper that is. When it comes to picking topics for papers, you really can’t be unique. For the most part, everyone has done your topic at one point or another. Sometimes it’s over done and nothing new can come out of it. Many times the original analysis gets lost in the shuffle of what everyone else is saying. Usually that’s because many scholars just paraphrase or re-interpret when they are citing a work of analysis that has come before them. Writing an analytical paper is a large Catch-22. You need to be original in what you are writing, otherwise you will bore your professor and your grade will subsequently show it. At the same time, you need to keep your topic somewhat reeled in because you must find sources to support your ideas. Just like when coming up with a “campaign” (social movement?) idea such as “Free Hugs.” You want it to be an easy accessible idea (as others have done it) but you want to put your unique spin on it in order to promote whatever you’re promoting-love, happiness, anti-religious psycho that’s screaming at everyone who passes them on campus that they will be going to hell for “masturbating, looking at porn, and your low-cut shit” (seriously dude? I don’t doubt that those two guys masturbated and looked at porn, but my shirt was nowhere near being low-cut. You couldn’t see an boobs/cleavage, so it passes that “low-cut” test).

When I was 16, I went on a school trip to Australia. While walking through an open air mall in Sydney (and for some reason without any adults), we saw a man standing in the middle of the side-walk with a sign that said “Free Hugs.” We were obviously confused, but we asked him about it. He then told us his story. Had had been abroad for 2 years and was brought back to his hometown for unfortunate reasons. His first wish hen he landed was to kiss his motherland’s soil. Secondly, he wanted to spread a certain love that he hadn’t been able to upon landing because he had no one to greet him and welcome him home as all the others were. He was happy to be back and wanted brighten people’s day that may have been going through troubles like he was, so he made this sign and went to the mall to hug as many people as he could. He had been there for 6 months by the time we met him. After receiving hugs, taking multiple pictures, and learning about him and his life (including that he had lived in our home state for a few years when he was a kid), we parted ways. Having checked our pockets to make sure that we hadn’t been robbed (seriously, he was nice really nice, but it was still bizarre), we went on our way. A year later, a few of us were at our Student Council state conference and there were a couple of kids walking around with “Free Hugs” signs. Mr. Juan Mann was the first person on our minds and sure enough, his sign and desire to spread joy. I still pull out that picture from time to time when I’m feeling down and I can’t help but smile. If you have any interest in hearing about Free Hugs from the source and not just my experience, go here. Also, check out the Sick Puppies music video featuring Juan Mann on the site! Yet another great band helping spread a great message!

Moral of the story: the original idea always has a stronger meaning because it is the first to be explored. However, that doesn’t completely lessen the intentions of those that come after.

AnywayS…Just Stab Me In The Ears & Eyes

Have you ever noticed how people add the letter “s” at the end of random words. If you’re in the Midwest, you hear it a lot at the end of proper names (Fords, Krogers, Meijers, etc.). This is generally a regional transformation. Some may explain the “s” as a possessive because many of these companies were originally (and some still are) family owned, therefore the stores/dealerships/factories all belong to them. Or, you have people who just drop a letter from your last name if it ends in an “s” *ahem*. And I can’t be the only one who cringes a tad when you hear the statement “ones of you guys.” Unfortunately, the letter “s” has crept into the minds of millions of English speakers, causing the “Great ‘S’ Dilemma”. OK, so that may only exist in my own mind, but I’m just going to roll with it.

The biggest culprit for the added “s” is the word “anyway.” This is not just a regional additive. They can’t even prove a pattern through towns or families. I’ve stated this before, I understand the constantly evolving language, however, I refuse to accept the word “anyways” into English. It honestly makes me want to shove a stick through my ears. Now, that may just be my OCD talking, but it gets to me. By “may”, I mean, it really is my OCD. By OCD, I mean the actual diagnosed disorder, not just the common joking about it that many people do these days either. Honestly, nothing makes me more uncomfortable than someone saying the word “anyways.” The only thing that comes close is seeing it in print, especially knowing that I was the one that typed it. I’m shuddering as I type. Which happens to be the reason why my brother always uses the word. Freaking civil engineer.

The topic of “which is the real word” often comes up in my life, mostly because I tell people anyways is not a word, and they would always argue that it was in spell check so it was a word. No. Is it in the OED*? No, it is not. For my general education classes, I had to take a writing class. In this class, my professor showed us common words that were commonly misused/misspelled. He would show the words and then ask the class what was correct. The typical your/you’re, there/they’re/their, its/it’s, and whose/who’s were present. Then came “Anyway/Anyways.” After I shot my hand in the air and went on a rant much like this, my professor asked the class if “anyways” was right. I think I terrified everyone into saying it the right way from that point out because no one raised their hands even though prior to my rant they were discussing how they say “anyways”. That and it was the word of the lone “almighty English major.” There was a reason everyone wanted to work with me when we did in class assignments. I guess they never learned that English majors usually study literature, not language.

“S” isn’t the only way we alter language. Take the common phrase “all right.” Many people believe the word is “alright.” Those people would be wrong. This was another big shocker to people in that GenEd writing class, but I wasn’t as vocal about my disdain for this spelling since it’s almost nonexistent (which is even more reason why this is propelled by my OCD).

In conclusion, just remember that anywayS is not a word.

*Oxford English Dictionary

“Do You Want Me Or Do You Want Me Dead”*

Alright, I’m finally going there. I’m tackling the ridiculousness of our obsession with *gasp* Shakespeare. I’ll wait for the death threats to arrive. But, let’s get real for a minute, we are obsessed with a man that wrote so beautifully that it often veils what is really going on.

We’ll start with everyone’s favorite (only because it’s usually the piece that everyone is forced to read in high school), Romeo and Juliet. Before diving in, I would like to note that I do know that this story idea was not originally Shakespeare (he borrowed a lot of the plot from Arthur Brooke and William Painter), however, his is most well known so that’s why I’m using this. Let’s take the simplest explanation of this play: Romeo, who is in his late teens or early 20s, is off moping because Rosalind won’t give him any. His buddy decides to get his mind off things by crashing a party. Juliet is two weeks away from turning 14 (let me repeat that-she is THIRTEEN) develops a crush on Romeo. I understand it was very different in their time period and the average age a person died at was much younger so technically she could be considered an adult but still, this would be considered a crush/puppy love in any time period. No matter what time period, she’s just going through puberty at the time this all happens. Her hormones are rushing like mad. Romeo, well think of any guy you know/knew in college. So, aside from the pedophilia, they “fall in love,” get married, make a plan to run away, fail to communicate said plan, and then commit suicide because they believe the other is dead. All of this is done in 24 hours. And because of this whole puppy love story, Romeo becomes associated with passionate male lovers? Excuse me? Are we serious? I would prefer not to have a Romeo in my life. I couldn’t handle the whole quick rebound, pedo, murderous, overly dramatic types of guys. And what about the parents? Why is it that these two deaths are so important that it makes you stop feuding? Is it because Juliet is the last surviving child of the Capulets? Is it that she’s a female? Is it because they chose to commit suicide (though, how would the parents really know that? It could have been a murder-suicide)? I think Paris, Tybalt, and Mercutio would argue that their deaths should have meant something instead of a side note of “Oh, yeah, those dudes died for no reason, too.” Romeo, I want you dead.

And Romeo and Juliet isn’t even the weirdest of Shakespeare’s plays. How about Twelfth Night? That’s all sorts of weird. I get Shakespeare was fascinated with cross dressing and, unless they dressed like a man, women of a certain status’ chance to do anything more than go to court with their husband or raise your children at home was, well, non-existent, but is anyone else even remotely creeped out by this fall in love while trying to convince everyone you’re a different sex and that it’s ok to pursue another female who happens to fall madly in love with you portraying someone else? And that’s not even touching on the subplot with Malvolio and what they do to that poor sap. If you don’t want to actually read the play, watch She’s The Man. Amanda Bynes is awesome,  Channing Tatum is shirtless through half the film, and they actually do a partially decent job of bringing Twelfth Night into the common era and making it really work, unlike Romeo + Juliet which just seemed to slaughter the play’s dialogue. Duke/Channing Tatum (ok, mainly Channing Tatum. The Duke was always kind of a doofus to me), I want you.

There has to be something a bit off with a guy who brought us Hamlet (the scene with his mother alone), Richard III (have you heard/read his opening soliloquy?), Merchant of Venice (sorry Shylock, but anyone who wants another person’s skin as repayment is psychotic in my book) and A Midsummer Night’s Dream (hello orgies and heavy drug use). Not to mention, Shakespeare would probably put any frat boy to shame with how much his head is in the gutter. He wrote the book on double entendres (Much Ado About Nothing. ‘n O-thing=Elizabethan slang for vagina). Maybe we can thank his Dark Mistress for that?

Ah, Shakespeare, your elegant words make everything you’re actually writing about seem less creeptastic. We’ll forget about the pedophilia, the desire for human flesh (and not in the sexual way), and the flat-out psychotic breaks because at the end of the day, you really could write and tell a story, which have continuously been retold in the centuries since. So Shakespeare, I want you (dead).

*Yet another great band-All Time Low! “Do You Want Me (Dead?)” from their album Dirty Work. Improper punctuation aside, it’s a great song and a fun band. Go see them live if you can!

Oh Pop Culture…Stay Away From My Literature!

That title can only be read in a cranky “get-off-my-lawn-vermins” old man voice.

The entertainment industry has a tendency to take some of the most iconic characters in literature and turn them on their heads. If you ask the average person off the street to describe what Frankenstein looks like, you know what they say? “Oh, he’s big, green, block head, bolts in his neck!” No! No! No! That is NOT Frankenstein. That is who Hollywood has brainwashed you into thinking Frankenstein is, but that is, in fact, the monster. Frankenstein is the scientist who creates the monster. Mary Shelley never gave the monster a name, so people in Hollywood chose to just call the monster Frankenstein. I mean, the name is creepy and monster like so it works, but still! Anyway, I would be more scared of the creepy Dr. Frankenstein than the monster, who only really wanted a family to love him.

Mary Shelley not you style? How about Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl? If you watch the TV show, you probably think of him as a lady-killer who has Blair Waldorf wrapped around his finger on and off. If you read the books, you know that he is the creeper that comes out of the closet and walks around with a pet monkey on his shoulder. Vanessa Abrams becomes a minor character in the show and is quite possibly the WORST casting ever done with a character so vividly described in the books. If you’ve never read the books-Vanessa is a very prominent character, Dan’s best friend, slightly in love with him, and she is a pale white, shaved head, “emo” girl. Jessica Szhor is gorgeous and a decent actress, but she is quite the opposite of Vanessa. Oh, and Eric, Serena’s brother, is actually older, somewhat a hippy, and has a fling with Blair. Gosh, I hope I didn’t ruin the books for anyone. Though if you chose to watch that crap over reading the actual book series, than I don’t care (OK, the book series isn’t award-winning literature or anything, and half of the books are ghost written, but it’s still a great brainless read).

And don’t even get me started on the Music industry’s take on literature. Really Taylor Swift? You want a “Love Story” that ends in a double suicide, only after you’ve been branded as an adulteress for sleeping with a priest and having his kid? Really? Well, if that’s your cup of tea. But honestly, I love Taylor Swift’s music so I just skip over that song when it comes on (yes it bothers me that much).

There are many other examples of Hollywood slaughter, but my brain is starting to hurt from all this wrongness. Yes, I know that is not really a word, I am taking a page from Shakespeare’s book of making your own language. Anyway, Hollywood, if you’re going to use literary characters in your industry, at least do it right! Or is that too much to ask? Yeah, I know, it’s Hollywood. Too much to ask.

“Sometimes to Win, You’ve Got To Sin”*

I was just back at my university for a few days. Everything’s still good, my professors still hate technology and I’m still pretending I read the novels they assigned to me.

As I saw a few of my professors all in the same spot, I couldn’t help but think of how many of these professors I turned in papers on the same topic: the Seven Deadly Sins. When you’re ever stuck on what to write, you can always relate any piece of literature back to at least one of the sins.

Picture of Dorian Gray, Beowulf, and Wuthering Heights are just a few examples of pieces that I related back to lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride. Dorian Gray was full of pride, envy, and greed. Beowulf boasted pride and wrath. Heathcliff, well he was just brimming with lust.

If you’re trying to decide on a thesis and your basic idea is ”Odysseus is a badass because he kicked ass and had lots of sex,” it can easily be translated into something about the Sins.  ”Odysseus manifested many forms of the Seven Deadly Sins throughout his journey, however, his main flaws were his tendency towards wrath, pride, and lust.” You get to write about sex (lust), fighting (wrath), and his reasoning for doing those things (pride). Your professors will applaud your creativity, especially since they probably won’t see this website. Just remember that this is a one time use per professor.

And don’t worry about finding research resources. There are so many sources out there that are, at very least, loosely referencing the Seven Deadly Sins. It’s all about how you spin it in the end.

So, next time you’re faced with coming up with a thesis statement for a paper due in two hours, just think about your greed to create a lustful paper in which every sloth will be so envy it will develop into wrath which will make your pride swell.

*Lyric from The Cab’s “Angel With A Shotgun”. Amazing song, amazing album, amazing band! Go download them NOW!